


hand in hand

by lcvelinnie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, just a vent bc i rlly wanna die today lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18323354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcvelinnie/pseuds/lcvelinnie
Summary: seungmin finds hyunjin's suicide notes.





	hand in hand

**Author's Note:**

> this is triggering and angsty but i got rlly rlly suicidal tonight n needed a quick vent. im sorry

when seungmin entered the bathroom the day after finding his boyfriend, heart no longer beating and skin pruned in the overflowing bathtub, clothes still on and soaked, his eyes locked with a small pile of crumpled pieces of paper.

his hands grasped each of them before exiting the room, the room that haunts him with the image of his dead lover.

he unfolds them, eyes scanning vaguely only to see numbers. after rearranging them to the proper order, he begins reading, willing back his broken sobs.

 

_"Hi Minnie! I'm sorry. I think that's all I can say at this point. I'm sorry for being so uninterested in things recently, cancelling our dates to sleep earlier at night, not cleaning when it was my turn to clean. I'm sorry and I'm sorry I made you so mad. I realize that I could've managed. It would've been hard but I could have done it._

_I remember you told me that you were tired of it. Tired of me..., and tired of thinking I didn't love you anymore. And my god, Minnie, were you so off. I'm so so in love with you. So much so that it scares me._

_But something that seems to be bigger then my love for you, is my hatred for myself._

_I've tried so hard to ignore the voices, shut the thoughts up when I'm with you so I can focus on you and me and, us. But it's hard. So hard._

_Please don't blame yourself for not noticing, to be fair I was masking it with being a dickhead most of the time. I didn't want to worry you. I'd prefer you be angry than worried and sad and scared._

_I just... hate so much about myself._

_I hate my hair, I hate how talentless I am. I hate my smile and my voice and how I laugh, how my eyes practically disappear when I smile. I hate my body, the fact that I can't gain weight, how pale I am._

_I'm so tired. So so tired of being alive, walking to the same grocery store, seeing the same neighbours, saying the same thing to the mailman, the awkward conversations at the store register. The uncomfortable family visits. I'm so tired of everything being the same._

_I'm sorry. I must be so selfish for doing this to you, but I can't seem to find more reasons than you to stay alive._

_But since you are the only reason to stay alive but I have multiple reasons to kill myself... it just seems like such a better solution to get it over with._

_My plushie is in the closet and you have permission to wear my clothes. Please care well for Kkami, I know you will but I still worry :(_

_Please visit me. And remember to take care of yourself and eat enough. If the apartment gets too lonely, you can move in with my parents, they'll understand._

_I'm sorry for being so selfish. I'm sorry I never told you I felt this way. I didn't want to worry you._

_I'm so in love with you. You're my everything. Dead or alive, I'm so happy I met you, I would never trade that day for anything. I love you._

_I love you._

_I'll miss you._

_I love you._

_⁃ your bubs. i love you._

 

there was one more page. Seungmin wiped the tears off of his cheeks to read. But the words were so hard to recognize, letters scribbled in dark blue ink.

 

_i love you so much im so sorry i love you, please dont be mad at me, im so sorry, youre the love of my life, the star in my sky and i hate myself so fucking much for leaving you but god please dont hate me, dont be mad at me, i love you so much im so fucking sorry please im so sorry visit me everyday and tell me about everything like you usually do im so sorry i cant live anymore i cant do this im so so sorry please dont hate me, min_

seungmin let out a choked out sob, back falling against the plush of his and _hyunjinnie's_ bed.

 

there was a funeral only a week later, for two boys.

Hwang Hyunjin, who died of drowning in his bathtub at his shared apartment, and Kim Seungmin, who died of a gunshot wound straight to the neck, where he proceeded to bleed out in his shared apartment.

buried hand in hand, the boys said goodbye to the cruel world with each other.


End file.
